Before post-secondary, I never thought twice about how my family shaped me into the person I am. Growing up where I had, the area was enriched with South Asian cultures and I was surrounded by South Asian families throughout elementary and high school. Many of my experiences, whether they were cultural or personal were commonly shared with others in the community, especially with the people in my age range. I still remember many of the “hot topics” we spoke about in high school like how our families were structured, expectations placed on us, aspirations of things we wanted to do, and changes we wanted in our lives.
I understand families aren’t all the same, but I believe South Asian families are complex to understand. Instead of being individualistic, which is the belief that everyone is an active agent in creating their own identity and can have personally defining goals that separate them from others, South Asian families value collectivism. Collectivistic cultures place more importance on relationships, shared beliefs, and the needs of the group/community/family rather than individual needs. I think of them as being heavily group-oriented (Sandhu & Madathil, 2008, p. 26-27).
In this blog, I wanted to focus on boundary setting within a deeply enriched, collectivistic family. It should be noted that although I focus on my experiences in a South Asian family, this could possibly be true for people who were raised with collectivism and aren’t part of the South Asian community. According to Sandhu and Madathil (2008), Western societies (United States, Europe, and Canada) value individualism, and Eastern cultures (Asia and the Arab world) value collectivism.
You might be wondering though, what is boundary setting? Fret not because I will briefly explain before diving further. Hampton (2019) describes boundaries as “mental, physical, emotional and spiritual limits” a person sets. Boundary setting is the mental decision made or the behaviour done to protect your limits, which can include but isn’t limited to expressing what you are and are not okay with. For example, telling someone you’ll stop talking to them if they mention your awful ex again is a form of boundary setting. Some may see boundary setting as a form of self-care, for the sake of protecting your mental peace and I would have to agree. Setting boundaries is important for your well-being, but I found that it’s a challenge when you are submerged in a culture that prioritizes interpersonal relationships and conformity in a family setting. Based on my experiences, there are 3 things to consider when setting boundaries in a South Asian family that I wanted to share today and wish I had known earlier.
1. Be Clear.
When setting boundaries, you need to be direct and concise with what is acceptable and what isn’t for you. Through my experience, most South Asian families appear highly structured to a default, with high adherence to gendered and cultural norms, and familial expectations. Deviating from these norms and expectations is not common, and trying new things can be unwelcome and sometimes met with high levels of hostility (Inman et al., 2014). Not to mention, it’s also scary and discouraging for the person trying to change things for themselves. I found that stacking an action with a consequence is the best way to go. In the past, whenever I left the house and I was tired of my mom’s frequent checks-in via text or call, I would gently set a personal boundary; I would tell her that I wasn’t going to respond after the third call or text if I already responded because I wanted to enjoy my plans, and if my plans change or I was going to come home late, I would communicate that with her. It had a rocky beginning, but over the months, this reduced her worries and allowed me the space to set even more boundaries in the hopes of more change.
2. Be Mentally Prepared.
Sometimes the scariest part of setting boundaries is saying it out loud because you either know or don’t know how well it will be taken by the people around you. Being from a culture that relies on interdependence and shared beliefs, you worry about how others perceive you. Setting a boundary with your family might activate that worry because you don’t want to be perceived as the rebel who causes conflict. It’s important to be mentally prepared for the residual effects, as I call it, because there are many ways things can go after setting a specific boundary. Oftentimes, the boundaries I set with my parents may result with them not understanding, being angry, frustrated, displeased, and/or confused which are all valid! Depending on the boundary, there would be some emotions I could anticipate and some I just couldn’t.
3. Be patient.
You have to remember the boundary is a new change for them as much as it’s one for you. It might require some people more time to adjust to the change. Yes, it might be bothersome and a treacherously slow journey with setbacks, but it’ll be worth it. As Inman et al (2014) found, there’s a lot to unpack in South Asian families and their cultural dynamics. Also, you might not even be a pro at setting boundaries in the beginning, since it might go against every fibre of your being, but like any other skill, you’ll master it eventually.
Navigating social relationships can be tricky at best, but with a collectivistic family, that’s another layer of complexity. As long as your boundaries are direct and concise, you’re mentally prepared and patient in the process, you might be able to facilitate the first few steps but there is much more that I didn’t cover. I began reading a new book called, “But What Will People Say” by a South Asian therapist and author called Sahaj Kaur Kohli. Her work inspired me to reflect on my life and write this so maybe check that too!
References
Hampton, D. (2019). The importance of boundary management. Nursing Management, 50(8), 51-54.
Inman, A. G., Devdas, L., Spektor, V., & Pendse, A. (2014). Psychological research on South Asian Americans: A three-decade content analysis. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 5(4), 364–372.
Sandhu, D. S., & Madathil, J. (2008). South Asian Americans. In G. McAuliffe (Eds), Culturally alert counseling: A comprehensive introduction (pp. 353-388).
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Note: The Free Your Mind Mental Health Society is an independent youth-led organization. The contents of this blog are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. In the event of a medical emergency, please call your doctor or 911 or other local emergency numbers immediately.