Note: The views, information and, opinions expressed in this blog are solely of the individuals involved and do not necessarily represent those of Free Your Mind Initiative and Speak Your Mind. The contents of this blog are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. In the event of a medical emergency, please call your doctor or 911 or other local emergency numbers immediately.
An attachment wound is an event or a series of events that seriously compromises and diminishes a relationship’s trust that can arise from one or both parties. Only with healing, can a relationship be rebounded with the feeling of safety and closeness.
Every attachment wounds are different for every relationship, it is dependent on the varying meanings made from the event and the impact of the event. The distrust created may be a deal-breaker and become an ongoing wound or by situational base an event in retrospect that could be a milestone for progress and repair.
Examples of common attachment wounds are:
- Untreated substance abuse or addiction
- Significant others absence for an important moment
- Chronic experience of attachment needs going unmet
- Abusive behavior
- A serious lie and/or chronic lying
- Anything else which profoundly affects relationship safety and trust
- Affairs
All of these events are significant and harmful to any relationship but it is the magnitude of the trust that is impacted that determines whether or not it is an attachment wound. Even as individuals, both parties may have different reasons for their attachment wounds or carry the same attachment wounds around the same event. Distrust can go both ways, but so can trust.
Part of healing from attachment wounds
| Try to re-experience something that was new to both parties | Repeated experience of something new to break the continuous cycle of the initial wound. Leaving space for one to not repeat previous behavior(s) that created the wound to rebuild trust. It will take time. Shedding new light on previous behaviors. Progress, something new needs to change to have trust rebuilt |
| Healing Communication about the event while deciding to be opened to healing | Accepting one’s behavior and doesn’t make excusesThe wounded party expresses pain about the event through the lens of “self” and vulnerabilityThe Wounded party listens, comforts, and validates the other party without being close-minded, defensive, shutting down, being overly apologetic, convincing, shaming, counterbalancing. Giving the other party time to heal, not pressuring them to speed up the process. |
| Stopping the negative mentality cycle | Attachment wounds could happen in healthy relationships, but it’s likely for it to occur for relationships that have poor communication from both parties that have built up over time. To revert that, rebuilding stronger communication can help the wounded to return to a stabilized normality before healing. |
| When the nervous system naturally stabilizes when one personal criterion of safety and trust are re-met | Mistrust is a survival strategy to protect yourself, it is not by choice. Could stem from a relationship, personal block prior to the relationshipMistrust is the nervous system being defensive due to not being safe, to be careful of a threat. Mistrust can also keep us alive in an attachment wound relationship of when to naturally trust againIt will take time. |
If over a long period of time and the healing process is not completing then:
- The wounds will become overwhelming and professional intervention will be needed to navigate the process
- Healing will no longer be of interest to one or both parties
- The wounding behavior will continue and affect the other parties well being for the long term
- Full trust can never be restored due to the wound becoming bigger
- The relationship will be a negative, bitter, resentful cycle of talking about the wound
- Personal healing blocking impede the relationship healing as well
Healing and forgiveness is not a choice, rather it is a choice to be open to healing and forgiveness. Free-willed openness naturally creates an environment for healing (safety and trust). The pain may never completely go away, but the bitterness of resentment will subside and become manageable.
Note: The Free Your Mind Mental Health Society is an independent youth-led organization. The contents of this blog are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. In the event of a medical emergency, please call your doctor or 911 or other local emergency numbers immediately.